In this moment..

I keep a huge widget of my calendar on my phone so I can see the next few days at a glance, because normally I have so many appointments, plans, schedules to remember that I’d explode trying to remember it all without a resource reminding me of them. But. Not this month. This next week simply looks like this. Screenshot_2016-04-14-13-21-26

This past month has been full of the above. {aka not much}  I’ve taken the time to grieve (& still do),  I’ve redone our bedroom (pretty much done), I’ve wiped down my cupboards, I’ve washed less than a drainerful of daily dishes, I’ve babysat for others, I’ve sat at the coffee shop, I’ve done tons of lazy window shopping, I’ve gone running/walking basically everyday, I’ve listened to podcasts, worshiped in music, finished my Gilmore Girls show, I’ve been writing & praying & reading God’s Word, hubby & I have gone on numerous last minute fun dates & a vacation, I’ve been alot quiet and I’ve begged to move on-to get another #fosterbaby, I’ve slept full nights, I’ve written letters, I’ve adult-colored, we’ve done taxes and archived 2015, I’ve planted flowers and garden and gotten to mow the lawn, gone through drawers and closets, and so many odd jobs… Basically I just have a pile of things to be done at the sewing machine once I get the courage to lug it out of the top shelf in the closet and once I decide what iron I want to buy, beings I dropped mine the other week and broke it 🙁

This probably sounds like a “haven” to so many…..and I’m not gonna lie, it sounds amazing. But. It seems so lacking in fulfillment. It’s lonely. Busy tends to wear out every mom and she just yearns for a break. Just a day of quiet. Maybe even a week. But a month?! A month, and I bet every one of you would be crying to have your babies, busy schedule and messy dishes back. When #my2ndlilgirlie left back on January 11 it was a lot rougher than we thought it was gonna be. We knew she wasn’t meant to be ours and so we really didn’t fully know how much we had loved her until she left.  Alot because we almost felt guilty for the feeling of knowing that we would never adopt her. And it was nothing against her or her background, it was just that ‘in-your-heart-knowledge’ that you should never feel guilty for! But ugh, we loved her soo much and missed her!! However, amid tears, I enjoyed the next 2 months, it was easy and so lil work to keep after just one 2 year old and so much more snuggle time. But then on March 11, when we said good-bye to #mylilgirlie, it was heart-wrenching. We had felt like she was meant to be with us forever. Nothing in our being wanted to let go.. And just typing that makes me cry, so we’ll maybe get more on that later…      But because of all I’ve been through I can’t sit here and just mourn. As much as I would want her back, JUST sitting here and crying and becoming bitter at God is so not the purpose for this. And as much as I want to enjoy this season of a ‘break and no pressing schedule’ it’s hard! It hurts. How in the world do you enjoy a time of nothing when you so badly want to hold your baby? How in the world can you sit here and become angry when you feel a peace that God most definitely is in control? And while I can’t wait for the next lil one, I know that the only way to use this season is to not live in anticipation of what is to come. I must choose to find joy in TODAY. Whether that is in me being overwhelmed in the busy or in the quiet.  I have realized that God doesn’t want me to make myself a crazy schedule just to move on. Neither does He want me to sit here and just be ‘vegging out‘ .. So, I’m choosing to be ok with this rest and listening to His comfort and His voice…    ((and tucking it away as a life lesson for when I am in the moment when I don’t know which way to turn, He is IN them all)).

In this moment, today, I trust you God and I know you have a purpose in this.

And while it may be easy for you to look at my life and say those cliche words with a hint of jealousy, “Oh just enjoy these moments” –I want to challenge you to look at your own life and enjoy what you have in your moments today. I could say those words right back at you in your busy, kid-filled life, with 100% sincerity.

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6 Responses to In this moment..

  1. Anita says:

    I love these words!! So very very true! It’s my thoughts a lot lately….learning to rest. I whisper to my heart the words, “it is enough”. I have enough white exactly what God gives me each day in life right now. No matter how much I would LOVE to have kids running all over my life, I feel God asking me to rest and trust and lean into Him. Hugs to you! I’m so glad you got another little one to love for a season now….and always in your heart! God bless you today!

  2. Andrea says:

    Julia – I’m tearing up reading this. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so raw and vulnerable. I can relate with both of the emotions you wrote about. Losing our little boy almost two years ago is still raw in so many ways, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to take my little ones for granted. Ever. And yet, being a mom is so, so, so hard some days. Especially these little years – and you are so right. Your world sounds like a dreamy haven of rest right now. But yet, I’ve come to realize that no season is just breezy and easy. God doesn’t function that way. Every season we are placed in is going to have it’s joys and challenges, and though part of your life looks bright and desirable from one angle, the inner pain that is there in the midst of it is something none of us would want. I guess I say all that to say to you, and to myself, and anyone else out there reading that embracing God’s will in our season *right now* is the only real way to joy and fulfillment. You portrayed that truth so beautifully! Hugs!

  3. Caroline says:

    I can’t wait to see how God writes the rest of your story. He has GOOD in plans for you!

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