The Perfect Balance

Hard things are hard to do. Culturally we want the easy way out. You guys, being a foster parent is hard. So. so. so. hard. And pretty much all of the time I want to sugar coat it and tell others and myself that it’s just part of life, it’s really not that difficult. I wish I could say we do it because it’s so easy. But. In all reality, we do it because it IS hard. We, as the church, as God’s people need to be willing to do hard things. Sometimes God asks us to do the hard things that we cannot do on our own, so that He receives all the glory! In our weakness, people can see it is only because of HIS strength! Back to admitting that it is hard… From personal experience I can testify that it is key to embrace the fact that this IS hard. It’s something I just really didn’t want to do. But I needed to embrace it for myself. Acknowledge it and be honest with others. As Christians, we can do hard things. It’s ok that it’s hard and ok to admit it. We need to support and encourage each other in those hard things. I’m still learning but it has been really humbling and uplifting just to embrace this fact. As a fellow foster mom wrote; “Not all, but most days, are really hard. The kind of hard that makes you never want to stop crying. There is HOPE and redemption and grace here, but in the middle moments, it’s just hard.” So if you are in a hard season of life right now, my encouragement is that you embrace it and not shy away. Only with, and because of Jesus can we truly come out shining.

For the past few months I have grieved and cried and lamented over the extremely sad situation of our 4 little babes.. How is it that perhaps they will end up in 3 different homes?! How their biological could choose the life of party and fun over being a responsible parent? My heart aches for grandparents, I know all too well how it feels to have a child disappear from my life. The completely helpless feeling of not being able to control or change the situation. My heart breaks for a family that is broken apart and yet I know it is their choice to step up and be the change. I sense the deep sorrow of what these babies will feel as they walk through rejection in their growing up years. It’s their story, and they will have to walk thru it. I know what pain and heartache feels like and I just want to fix it and change their beginning. I want to see redemption, I want to witness a happy reunification. I want to save them from walking through a story they didn’t choose. But I can’t. One thing I do know, is that I can point them to the One who heals, who redeems the pain, who creates beauty from ashes. I can and will walk along side them as long as possible and hold their hand. And I will never stop praying for them.

In the midst of allowing myself to feel the pain and embracing this journey [again]. God gently laid some truth from the other side of the coin, very plainly in front of me. Embrace the joy. This life of mine, being a foster momma, is filled with soo much joy & love.
Perhaps the best gift that I can give them today is to let them know how happy they make me today. What an incredible beautiful gift it is to be their momma. The wonder is not lost on me and it truly is not something I take for granted. I absolutely adore and love them to bits n pieces. I am so grateful for the opportunity and gift of being their mother. Watching them grow and play fills me with so much joy and I’m so proud of them. Caring for their needs is something I have dreamed of doing for years and it truly is a privilege that I enjoy. Being needed and chosen and adored by them makes my heart swell so much it feels like it could burst. I prayed for twins for many years and it’s been a dream come true to bring home a baby from the hospital. I used to tell them everyday, “I love being your Momma”, but the weights have smothered it the last while. I want them to know the joy they bring to me, how much I want them and celebrate the gift of them. Even if it could bring pain of parting in the future. It’s totally ok for me to experience that JOY and speak it. In fact they need to hear it. I need to embrace the joy that they give me and how happy it makes my heart to be their momma for today. Allow myself to feel happy in us being a family. It just felt wrong, almost a guilt to rejoice in them being in my heart and home when it meant that they were ripped apart from their mother and life is not how it should be for them. The confusion and fears they face everyday. How can I be ‘happy’ in the midst of that? They need my empathy not my sympathy… (don’t we all?!)

It feels like I could constantly be crying. I look at them and feel all the pain that is involved with them being in my home and the next minute as I watch them play, learn and laugh with innocent childhood perfection, I am overcome with joy that I get to witness it. Of course I can’t, and won’t, just gallantly go on my way and pretend the ugly doesn’t exist, but neither can I sit here and let the heaviness engulf and overcome us. With God’s help I want to find the perfect balance of embracing what each day holds.

Clearly, farming is our number #1 focus these days. 🙂


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