by Julia | Apr 27, 2018 | When God Writes your Baby Story
Oh wow..so many emotions today. I got a babysitter for the boys so I can catch up on some projects that need done. I came home n was hit square in the face with a QUIET house. Normally I would love and appreciate this, but with NIAW going on, I’ve been thinking about how infertility has affected us. And the feelings all came rushing back. The quiet. The lonely. The long days. The sadness. The hopelessness. The feeling like time is our worst enemy. The too tidy house. The anger. The unfairness. The shattered dreams. The utter utter quiet and all the tears. The constant reminders of it just being the 2 of us. And I began to wonder what changed? An incredible 5 years that I wouldn’t want to relive but also wouldn’t trade who we have become!
To be honest, some days I almost wish for the quiet days but I never wish for what came with it or where I was. The bitter sting of it is not an all consuming feeling anymore. Mostly it was an inward change.. Realizing that joy is not JUST in a wrapped up baby.. A choice to look beyond myself. A choice to allow this pain and heartache push me into something more and deeper than myself and really look at God’s heart and say, what do you want me to do now? What do you think about this? Should I sit here and dig myself in this deep hole and mull around in the pain? Or what in the world is next?!
I fully advocate in being real & true in your feelings, but can I plead with you to not stay stuck there? Piece by piece with bleeding fingers pick up the shattered pieces and give it up to God. Ask Him to redeem this ugly, the honest hard things into something beautiful. Something He can use.. Even when it doesn’t feel possible, ask Him to show you how, I promise He will show you His most tender Daddy-arms. He will show you His heart towards you is for good and not for evil. He will show you the love and good good gifts He has for you. He hurt so deeply with His own Son that He turned His face away, but He allowed it to happen because He knew the whole story and what redemption was going to look like. What beauty was going to be possible from the ashes.
I think the biggest light bulb for me was when I was able to stop blaming God for it. I didn’t know how I could trust Him when He kept handing me all this ugly stuff. I just thought somehow it was His plan for me, and I didn’t really want it. No, HIS PLAN was redemption and the beauty that comes out of the pain. He hurts with me and wanted to comfort and heal me but instead I was blaming Him for something that didn’t even come from His storehouses.
Somedays I feel like I’m getting a tiny glimpse of the masterpiece and next I very sharply feel the pain dripping from my heart as I choose to pick up shattered plans and dreams and give them back up to God asking Him to redeem this into what He can use for His glory. It’s so much sweeter being able to rest in His unfathomable love than the alternative. I don’t understand the why, but even if I did I don’t think I would find comfort in it.
Realize it’s ok to get out of your trouble bubble and find joy even if you will feel pain again on another day. Others will be able to look past the stigma of infertility with you if you can do it too. But if you stay stuck and closed, it will become a topic no-one wants to touch. Barrennness does not define you. And just because you are happy and busy and joyful does not mean you will not grieve the loss of pregnancy somedays. You just might be able to find purpose outside of that and that means you are looking at the right Source and He will hold you close, just keep being honest with Him…. Just like this morning, I knew I had moved past all those feelings and found healing, but it’s ok to grieve and heal again. Sometimes I wonder if it’s like another level, one layer at a time.
Everyone is at their own place on their own journey and I 100% respect that. Infertility affects people in different ways. There is always hope no matter where you are. And every story matters! I shared my aspect along with a wonderful bunch of other warriors over at In Due Time, go check it out and leave some love.
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
by Julia | Apr 15, 2018 | Foster Care, Our Captured Life
It’s been a month now, settling back into a family of four. It has definitely not all been roses, but it’s been good. Still in the midst of winter rains meant my husband was home a lot and that in itself was sheer awesomeness. We relaxed and spent lots of time playing & bonding. The boys seem to do better these days if we get out and spend time away from the house. I understand that, sometimes there are little reminders around our everyday that just trigger sadness & memories.
My 16 yr old niece, that has siblings through adoption, was here for a few days and she shared with me an excerpt of her diary after one of our goodbyes that just made me weep. It was the sweetest thing. I tend to remember the positive and happy times from all our sweet children and use memories as a reminder to pray for them. I don’t cry over it too much but sometimes a good cry is so healing. The loss and grief are real, and something I am not scared of embracing. And the feelings her writing brought up made me cry because it is so true, we will never ‘be over it’. It’s part of who we are and always part of our story.
Written by my niece & shared with her permission: “They love her, adore her and I honestly don’t think they’ll ever get over her. I don’t think they’re over #mylilgirlie, #my2ndlilgirlie, or #MrSunbeam -and I don’t think they’ll ever be. They give themselves wholeheartedly, no matter how often they get burned. Every time a child leaves, part of their heart goes with them. And you know what? Every time they give themselves like that….God gives them more. They can’t always know it just then – but I can see the love overflowing that God keeps giving them. Do you think that if they give all of themselves to children-that is, if so many come and go that all of ‘their’ heart is gone, divided among their children…that by that time ‘their’ hearts will be ‘God’s’ heart – full of love and overflowing to all they meet? I do. Because I see it happening already.”
I always under-estimate what I think we are contributing to these lil ones. It feels like so little, or almost damaging when we have to let them go again when all they want is to stay here with us. And yea, we do kinda throw ourselves head over heels into every kiddoe and makes it so hard to say goodbye. But I keep telling myself that a healthy attachment is something that will affect them the rest of their lives, according to statistics anyways.. It was also touching to me that our life is speaking not only to the kids but to those around us, and that God is seen. Every moment counts and affects those around us. My nieces seem to love me and I sure hope that ultimately Jesus is the reason. If our lives are an inspiration for them to chase after the ‘more than normal lifestyle’ I couldn’t be happier!
So anyways, we cry hard. We laugh hard. And we live our best life, everyday. I am trying out a new method of parenting, balancing work and play, the next few months and I’ll let you know how it works. But I’m pretty excited, because these boys seem to constantly need me by their side and I find it so hard to find a balance. I need them to learn to play alone, and yet I also want to spend tons of time with them. They haven’t been exposed much socially in the past year, besides family and church, because who can handle 4 kids under 3 in public with 2 hands? I’m hoping to change that this summer and we took our first outing alone this past week. We tried out shopping, Dollar General seemed like a good place to start. Let’s just say I ended up with tags to give the cashier, bubbles blown inside the store, m&ms scattered on the floor, batteries & gift cards grabbed & thrown before we got past them, less chocolate purchased than what I had initially put in the cart… am I weird to say I laughed & enjoyed it? They really did listen well and weren’t terrors, they are just so fast and strong and smart that I can’t keep up! I am debating about buying leashes because parking lots are intimidating…. We stopped at a new-for-them park close to our house on the way home & they loved it! I could sit and watch them all day. It was definitely worth it, getting back in the car after one stop Buddy says, “So much fun!” 🙂 They jabber all the time and are creating new sentences and conversation everyday. Sometimes I just want them to be quiet, but mostly they crack me up and make me laugh so much everyday. Ugh, I’m so incredibly in love with these boys.. So so proud of them!
You know that’s something I’ve been thinking about lately. We all have our days when we are so exhausted and spent with trying to figure out this ‘mom thing’. And I do not have it all figured out. But I am realizing how important it is that they know they are valued and chosen. Loved & Celebrated. People say, oh your kids won’t remember all the times you messed up. But what are they going to remember? Are you filling their love tanks? Celebrating lil moments and making sure they have good things that will always be there without a shadow of a doubt? Inevitably, hard things will come and we will mess up, but if we aren’t intentional to see what we do have, we will wish for it when it’s gone. Or at the least we will wish we would have found joy in the moments. Give your kiddoes the gift of knowing that their momma adored them and was always so proud of them, not based on their behavior! Everyday is a gift and it matters. Molding today will affect how they view life tomorrow. So, so many people tell us that we have no idea how much this lil time with these kiddoes in foster care will affect their lives. I challenge you that the time you have with your littles today is going to affect their future as well. It’s not just for foster children.
Love is not just providing their needs, cheering them on when they are successful, or performing for them. Love is speaking words of value into them, spending time holding them, playing with them or doing whatever their favorite activity is-together. Time where we pay attention to them and not just what they are doing. Love freely, hug often, play fiercely, kiss frequently & build a bond that will last.
I forgot to share some of their 2-year-old photos… They had a fun time playing football with Daddy & tackling each other while I snapped away. Oh, and voluntarily picking flowers for me. Totally melted. I wish you could see their dimples, the life in their eyes and their faces full of happiness.. They are the best! Also, some big things are coming up in the next month that will possibly guide us into more insight for their future… Please join us in praying for these lil sweethearts.
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
Linking up with Grace & Truth, #destinationInspiration, #DreamTogether, #TellHisStory
Oh wow..so many emotions today. I got a babysitter for the boys so I can catch up on some projects that need done. I came home n was hit square in the face with a QUIET house. Normally I would love and appreciate this, but with NIAW going on, I’ve been thinking about how infertility has affected us. And the feelings all came rushing back. The quiet. The lonely. The long days. The sadness. The hopelessness. The feeling like time is our worst enemy. The too tidy house. The anger. The unfairness. The shattered dreams. The utter utter quiet and all the tears. The constant reminders of it just being the 2 of us. And I began to wonder what changed? An incredible 5 years that I wouldn’t want to relive but also wouldn’t trade who we have become!
