Oh wow..so many emotions today. I got a babysitter for the boys so I can catch up on some projects that need done. I came home n was hit square in the face with a QUIET house. Normally I would love and appreciate this, but with NIAW going on, I’ve been thinking about how infertility has affected us. And the feelings all came rushing back. The quiet. The lonely. The long days. The sadness. The hopelessness. The feeling like time is our worst enemy. The too tidy house. The anger. The unfairness. The shattered dreams. The utter utter quiet and all the tears. The constant reminders of it just being the 2 of us. And I began to wonder what changed? An incredible 5 years that I wouldn’t want to relive but also wouldn’t trade who we have become!
To be honest, some days I almost wish for the quiet days but I never wish for what came with it or where I was. The bitter sting of it is not an all consuming feeling anymore. Mostly it was an inward change.. Realizing that joy is not JUST in a wrapped up baby.. A choice to look beyond myself. A choice to allow this pain and heartache push me into something more and deeper than myself and really look at God’s heart and say, what do you want me to do now? What do you think about this? Should I sit here and dig myself in this deep hole and mull around in the pain? Or what in the world is next?!
I fully advocate in being real & true in your feelings, but can I plead with you to not stay stuck there? Piece by piece with bleeding fingers pick up the shattered pieces and give it up to God. Ask Him to redeem this ugly, the honest hard things into something beautiful. Something He can use.. Even when it doesn’t feel possible, ask Him to show you how, I promise He will show you His most tender Daddy-arms. He will show you His heart towards you is for good and not for evil. He will show you the love and good good gifts He has for you. He hurt so deeply with His own Son that He turned His face away, but He allowed it to happen because He knew the whole story and what redemption was going to look like. What beauty was going to be possible from the ashes.
I think the biggest light bulb for me was when I was able to stop blaming God for it. I didn’t know how I could trust Him when He kept handing me all this ugly stuff. I just thought somehow it was His plan for me, and I didn’t really want it. No, HIS PLAN was redemption and the beauty that comes out of the pain. He hurts with me and wanted to comfort and heal me but instead I was blaming Him for something that didn’t even come from His storehouses.
Somedays I feel like I’m getting a tiny glimpse of the masterpiece and next I very sharply feel the pain dripping from my heart as I choose to pick up shattered plans and dreams and give them back up to God asking Him to redeem this into what He can use for His glory. It’s so much sweeter being able to rest in His unfathomable love than the alternative. I don’t understand the why, but even if I did I don’t think I would find comfort in it.
Realize it’s ok to get out of your trouble bubble and find joy even if you will feel pain again on another day. Others will be able to look past the stigma of infertility with you if you can do it too. But if you stay stuck and closed, it will become a topic no-one wants to touch. Barrennness does not define you. And just because you are happy and busy and joyful does not mean you will not grieve the loss of pregnancy somedays. You just might be able to find purpose outside of that and that means you are looking at the right Source and He will hold you close, just keep being honest with Him…. Just like this morning, I knew I had moved past all those feelings and found healing, but it’s ok to grieve and heal again. Sometimes I wonder if it’s like another level, one layer at a time.
Everyone is at their own place on their own journey and I 100% respect that. Infertility affects people in different ways. There is always hope no matter where you are. And every story matters! I shared my aspect along with a wonderful bunch of other warriors over at In Due Time, go check it out and leave some love.
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
