by Julia | Jun 6, 2020 | Our Captured Life
June 5th 2018. this day will forever be etched in my mind as the most miraculous day ever. I still shake my head in wonder when I recall it…..
part of my journal entry–Today may perhaps have been the best day of all our lives as a family. The day that we found out, after exactly 5 years of waiting, that we are PREGNANT!!!! and that, after 2 years of having the boys in our home, the twins’ mom ‘signed papers’ to surrender her rights and give the boys to us for through adoption!!!! So, not only one, but we will be adding three to our family! It feels completely surreal. And I KNOW it is not from us doing anything in particular to make this happen, but 100% the works and Hand of God. It feels like such an incredible break-thru! SO MANY MIRACLES! Seriously, it felt like an out of body experience…like I was living some kind of dream. But all I could say all day was THANK YOU Jesus. You are amazing! Your works are awesome! Psalm 92:4-5. [so many people say, oh yeah, you adopted then God rewarded you with getting pregnant. Here is why I don’t like that comment: All three of our boys are equal miracles and blessings straight from God, one is not a reward for ‘taking in’ the others. They are all a reward and blessing from God for saying YES to Him in utter abandon, trusting Him and putting our hope in Him and not in ‘our doings’.
The night before I thought to myself, hmm, I should take a pregnancy test, I am a few days late. But decided to wait until my husband left for work so that I could deal with whatever feelings I have and then candidly tell him later. As soon as I heard him leave @5am, I took that test, laid it on the counter, went and made my coffee. After a little while I went back in to check on it, and the first time in my life I saw an unmistakable second line. Say whaat?!! I got so shaky I had to sit down. I was completely stunned and speechless. After a bit all I could say was, ‘Thank-you Jesus’! I took a selfie with the test because I though maybe I will send it to my husband and I definitely won’t be sharing that picture. I look like a frightened ghost! lol! I did have to take a few more tests and still I wasn’t sure if it was for real?! I decided against texting him because I wanted to see his reaction and I knew that he wouldn’t believe any ‘fancy way’ of telling him the news. I hid my phone, set up on video and showed him the test when he came home around lunchtime. He reacted about the same way as I did. Completely stunned and speechless, shaky and in shock for a little while! He had absolutely no clue that I was even going to take a test! —Then he was like, “Are you pregnant? Are you serious? Wow. I don’t believe it. Wow. I don’t know what to say. Thank you Jesus.” One of my favorite videos, complete with the one of the boys singing Hallelujah in the background! I’ll be honest that we hardly talked about it much those first few days, because we were like, let’s just go to a Dr. and see if it is actually legitimate before we get too excited.
He had to come home at lunchtime because we had court at 1pm for the twins… there had been talk of their biological mom possibly surrendering her rights and signing them over to us, but you never know what will happen until it actually happens when you are in foster care. Things had been dragging on n on…. And don’t you know. She signed those papers and were in even MORE shock! We were so so thrilled, and kept asking ourselves, Is this even real?! Our cups are waay tooo full and overflowing. It’s too much goodness all in one day!?
SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK, it took a good 3 months before we weren’t still in shock, and many many more until we truly believed it. Up until the day of the adoption and the day the baby was born, we kept asking each other, “Is this actually happening?!” Even though we knew it’s true, we could hardly wrap our minds around it as a reality! Even in the hard times we would proclaim and know it to be true, that GOD IS GOOD, no matter what. Now, getting overwhelmed with tangible blessings–WOW!
Two days after June 5th my best friend told me she was pregnant- being pregnant together was totally a dream we had both longed for! Kenton & Keyondre became Hostetlers on July 27th 2018. December 2018 we moved into our very own home- how that all came about was a complete God-script as well. Jenson was born on February 14th 2019.
2020 We are living our dream come true!
by Julia | Apr 27, 2018 | When God Writes your Baby Story
Oh wow..so many emotions today. I got a babysitter for the boys so I can catch up on some projects that need done. I came home n was hit square in the face with a QUIET house. Normally I would love and appreciate this, but with NIAW going on, I’ve been thinking about how infertility has affected us. And the feelings all came rushing back. The quiet. The lonely. The long days. The sadness. The hopelessness. The feeling like time is our worst enemy. The too tidy house. The anger. The unfairness. The shattered dreams. The utter utter quiet and all the tears. The constant reminders of it just being the 2 of us. And I began to wonder what changed? An incredible 5 years that I wouldn’t want to relive but also wouldn’t trade who we have become!
To be honest, some days I almost wish for the quiet days but I never wish for what came with it or where I was. The bitter sting of it is not an all consuming feeling anymore. Mostly it was an inward change.. Realizing that joy is not JUST in a wrapped up baby.. A choice to look beyond myself. A choice to allow this pain and heartache push me into something more and deeper than myself and really look at God’s heart and say, what do you want me to do now? What do you think about this? Should I sit here and dig myself in this deep hole and mull around in the pain? Or what in the world is next?!
I fully advocate in being real & true in your feelings, but can I plead with you to not stay stuck there? Piece by piece with bleeding fingers pick up the shattered pieces and give it up to God. Ask Him to redeem this ugly, the honest hard things into something beautiful. Something He can use.. Even when it doesn’t feel possible, ask Him to show you how, I promise He will show you His most tender Daddy-arms. He will show you His heart towards you is for good and not for evil. He will show you the love and good good gifts He has for you. He hurt so deeply with His own Son that He turned His face away, but He allowed it to happen because He knew the whole story and what redemption was going to look like. What beauty was going to be possible from the ashes.
I think the biggest light bulb for me was when I was able to stop blaming God for it. I didn’t know how I could trust Him when He kept handing me all this ugly stuff. I just thought somehow it was His plan for me, and I didn’t really want it. No, HIS PLAN was redemption and the beauty that comes out of the pain. He hurts with me and wanted to comfort and heal me but instead I was blaming Him for something that didn’t even come from His storehouses.
Somedays I feel like I’m getting a tiny glimpse of the masterpiece and next I very sharply feel the pain dripping from my heart as I choose to pick up shattered plans and dreams and give them back up to God asking Him to redeem this into what He can use for His glory. It’s so much sweeter being able to rest in His unfathomable love than the alternative. I don’t understand the why, but even if I did I don’t think I would find comfort in it.
Realize it’s ok to get out of your trouble bubble and find joy even if you will feel pain again on another day. Others will be able to look past the stigma of infertility with you if you can do it too. But if you stay stuck and closed, it will become a topic no-one wants to touch. Barrennness does not define you. And just because you are happy and busy and joyful does not mean you will not grieve the loss of pregnancy somedays. You just might be able to find purpose outside of that and that means you are looking at the right Source and He will hold you close, just keep being honest with Him…. Just like this morning, I knew I had moved past all those feelings and found healing, but it’s ok to grieve and heal again. Sometimes I wonder if it’s like another level, one layer at a time.
Everyone is at their own place on their own journey and I 100% respect that. Infertility affects people in different ways. There is always hope no matter where you are. And every story matters! I shared my aspect along with a wonderful bunch of other warriors over at In Due Time, go check it out and leave some love.
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
by Julia | Mar 15, 2018 | Musings, When God Writes your Baby Story
The last few weeks I spent quite a bit of time processing something that kinda plopped itself right in front of me. Oftentimes Bible passages speak differently to different people and thats ok, that’s the awesomeness of God’s Word; it meets us where we are and ministers to everyone! So I just wana share a bit how God has been speaking to me thru His Word lately..
So, like most other barren women today, I love the stories in the Bible about the women who were barren, feeling very ‘down & out’, they prayed and prayed. They got their husband to pray for them & some even asked other men of God to pray for them that God would give them a child. God heard their prayer and opened their womb and they conceived! Obviously we don’t always know their Timeline and I am pretty sure they didn’t all conceive during their next cycle. In fact, one account it appears it was 20 years from when they began praying till God opened her womb. However, lately I have been looking at these stories in a lil different way than what you may typically think or immediately presume. I have been seeing a different approach, a deeper connection that these aren’t just for the barren woman of today. If a situation you are in looks impossible, keep reading.
While I would love to say, Look! Every woman in the Bible that was barren, ended up conceiving. So we need only have faith and our story will commensurate to the Bible Stories. I can’t help but realize that there were probably some women back in those times that were barren and died without ever conceiving. And I also know of some godly women today that have never conceived and have peace in being barren. So does that make their stories, their lives, unsuccessful? No, absolutely not! Hang with me……
You see, I’m slowly starting to see that success doesn’t come in us measuring up to the ‘ideal mold of a family’.. success is in God, being able to complete His work in & through us even if it looks different than what we imagined.
So why were only the ones that conceived recorded in the Bible? This is where I may have a lil different view for you. What if those stories were not recorded to give hope to the barren woman? What if the main topic in these stories is not about infertility? What if they were recorded to show to all people, including the barren woman, that God is capable of doing anything. Even if it looks humanly impossible? Nothing is too hard for Him to accomplish. You don’t have to have the ‘picture-perfect life’ in order for God to use you. God has a plan-and when we line up with that plan, there really is NOTHING that can get in the way. God was leading up to the redemption of the world, and to show that it was HIM doing the work, He used the infertile, the poor.. Sara, Rebekah, Elisabeth were barren women that God used to complete His story & bring Him glory! That gets me excited, no matter how impossible your situation may look, God can still 100% complete His plan. I can’t help but think how beautiful that is before God. Having that kind of faith that God can do anything and always holding onto that hope. Matthew 8:5-10
Another thing that I often come across is that barrenness is just way more common today than it was in Jesus’ time because of our unhealthy & sinful standard of today’s world. Yes, I am sure the numbers are a bit more dramatic, sadly. But thankfully God’s power hasn’t changed! And if barrenness wouldn’t have been a common issue back then, I don’t believe that it would have been spoken of so often in the Bible. Everytime it is spoken of in the Bible, it clearly indicates that God is the One who opens and and closes the womb. I sometimes wish it was always as direct as in Ex. 23:25, 26 -“You must serve only the Lord your God. If you do, I will bless you with food and water, and I will protect you from illness. There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives.”
I firmly believe God wants us to care for our bodies etc….. However I think sometimes we get so stuck in the hard season we are in, be it sickness, miscarriage, infertility, loss, depression, _____(insert yours). We start thinking we cannot be of any use to God until ‘this’ is gone. Somehow without even fully knowing, we get the twisted outlook that our life is worthless, it’s just not measuring up. But God never chalks up a life like that, or a season, as useless, one He can’t do anything with. NOO!! We have our focus on the wrong thing. It’s not about the pain. It’s not about the circumstances. I’m quite convinced God would love if there would be no pain in the world. It’s about who God IS. In our weak and vulnerable times, He invites us. “Come away with Me. Healing will not satisfy you, but I will.” This is not a wasted space in your life, but rather an invitation to be filled. To grow deep roots in Him. Your tree will grow strong and unwavering, loaded with fruit when your root system is deeply hidden in Him. Remember, it’s not about the barren women, it’s about God using redeemed people to complete His story & bring Him glory.
Paul talks about it in a beautiful way, and I think it is so key the way he relates it. The handicap does not come from God, but God can redeem it and use it to bring Him glory. Paul even began seeing it as a gift because he knew that if in his weakness he let Christ take over, He would be strong in Him. I think that is such a beautiful picture. He pleads with God to remove the thorn in his flesh, and then gives it back over to Him. When we allow God to redeem our hardship, people see God alive in our weakness. He gets ALL the glory! God doesn’t always heal, but He always saves and always redeems.
“Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 2 Cor. 12:7-10 MSG.
This is definitely one of my draft posts and a reality in my life today. I would love to hear your thoughts!
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
Linking up with Grace & Truth and..
by Julia | Jul 6, 2017 | Foster Care, me & my jewel, Our Captured Life, When God Writes your Baby Story
Been pondering what to share this month and I suppose it may be time for a bit of a personal life and family update.. Fittingly so with this being the month marking 1 year ago that we received twin baby boys into our home. Seems a bit surreal and sorry if you already know all the stats, but I wanted to write it down for my own remembrance 🙂 
Last July 5th we said good-bye to our first lil boy #MrSunshine and a few days later we welcomed twin 4 1/2 month old boys into our home on July 11th. Because it wasn’t any legal or criminal issues, but merely a lack of proper support, as soon as birth mom was back in shape the boys returned home, no questions asked. I won’t say how many questions and doubts I had, but I chalked them up to me being overly sensitive n attached to the boys in wanting to keep them. In those 5 months we had definitely fallen in love with Bubba & Buddy and were heartbroken telling them good-bye on Dec. 7th. We were not in any rush to take new placements in allowing ourselves proper time to heal (more on that another day.) Also I kept somewhat in contact with mom and told her we would like to support and help her with the boys when she delivers new baby girl in February.
On a personal life level, just prior to the twins leaving we felt led to do a few tests and check out why I have been having such severe menstrual cycles. Crippling to the point of vomiting and, well, I’ll just end it there. We didn’t really receive the quick fix we had silently been hoping for, except that the Dr. recommended I double or triple my pain meds and swap off with tylenol and ibuprofen. My body had become immune to ‘2 advils’.. He, however, felt pretty strongly that I probably have endometriosis. And if you know anything about it, the only way to confirm it & repair it is through surgery. He suggested we check out the Creighton Model FertilityCare System and do some blood work as cheaper alternative ways to definitely track what is going on with my body. So during this kid-break, we took the opportunity to take the classes & learn the CrMS charting. We have been really impressed with it so far. God opened and closed some doors pretty clearly to us in what to pursue, and at this point we are happy & at peace where it led us. If you have any questions feel free to ask, & hopefully we will have more answers in the future.
December & January We took a Florida vacation, celebrated the Holidays with family, partied in the Smoky Mountains and just did life TOGETHER.. Emotionally we just really needed each other. And I didn’t see myself being ready for another attachment in quite awhile. The end of January, I was in contact with the twins’ mother and we ended up watching Buddy while she was in unexpected labor with baby.. she was not early but with many complications, it was prolonged and we ended up getting Bubba a few days later and were so enjoying babysitting them! They seemed kind of in shock but definitely recognized us and our home. Baby made it, but by a series of complete miracles and would end up having a month stay in the NICU.
And then the text came…I was actually rather shocked and my heart was kind of confused with all of it: “The boys’ trial home visit has been disrupted and they will be staying with you again for awhile.” Babysitting was suddenly placement. Of course I was excited to see them, love on them and watch them grow again. But so much had happened in those short 8 weeks and my heart was not prepared for this at all.. They turned 1 a month later & we got to celebrate their birthday with them! But at the same time, it tore me apart. So confusing and traumatizing for them. So disappointing for the bio mom & family. That’s not all, we also got 2 more of their siblings, aka sisters. Two days later 3 year old Glitterbug came & a month later we brought Miraclebaby home from the hospital. Yes we are busy and yes it can be overwhelming. Also YES, our hearts are full!
Look at all those hair!
There are so many things I wish I could tell you about them and their lives.. But obviously it is not my story to tell. Just know that these are some of the sweetest and most beautiful children around. 3 out of the 4 are high energy kids, and cause me pure exhaustion by the end of the day. They have adjusted to us and life here quite well, perhaps better than what we have!
It has been over 4 months now being a family of 6. Let me tell you, becoming an instant family of 4 kids, ages 3 and under is no joke. And 1 year twins in the middle?! Of course the first month is all fun and everyone is doing great. Month 2 the crazy is high and the real is coming out, turns out 8 wks can raise alot of insecurities for babies. Month 3 we all just want to quit; but we keep reminding each other of that moment we knew God wanted us to say Yes and we keep pushing through, verbalizing that we embrace this life and family. Month 4 we have found a new normal and most days we feel like we are ready and ok for the long haul this appears it is going to be. And we are learning how to specialize in each individual to bond with them instead of lumping them together in an overwhelming sense where no one feels valued. We actually love doing this again & treasure having a family. Routines have definitely taken shape and bring security to us all. I don’t know how I do it most days, but have discovered that the best way to not become overwhelmed is to not ‘plan’ to accomplish anything. Lessen my expectations. Be satisfied in playing on the floor most of the day. Feel full and accomplished without crossing off a to-do list. Believe me, it is still a work in progress, that last one. But I have to constantly remind myself what is most important and not just in a cliche type of way. FOR REAL. Currently I am learning how to carve out time for what God wants me to do on a personal level and am in search of soul rest even in the daily ‘crazy’ schedule.
Recently I was kind of berating God, why He had brought us to a place of peace in saying Yes, and then just left us sit and fend for ourselves in this difficult journey? Why does it suddenly seem like a heavy burden to bear?! He reminded me of the verse my yoke is easy and my burden is light and that I had been trying to carry this yoke alone. I need to come away with Him, into His yoke and it will be free & light. That takes intentionality. Time to stop. Rest. Commune with Him and allow Him to guide every footstep and not just go go go…. In the midst of 50 things pounding in my head that need to be done, schedules & appointments nearly colliding, visits being rescheduled 5x in 1 day….I am learning to literally lift up my hands and say, You control it God and make it work out. Show me what I can cut out or do to make it work. I know You care & You will make a way. 
I just really wana shout out to my amazing husband & partner in all of this, he pulls more than his share of the load. He changes just as many poopy diapers as I do, bathes the boys 99% of the time, does the nightly ritual of putting baby to bed & 100% cares for the boys if they wake during the night. Not only is he the entertainer of all things play in the evenings, he is also the first one out of bed & has coffee brewed for me when I drag myself out 10 (or 20) minutes later. He often cooks us breakfast, or half of it at least & never complains about helping me with last minute meal prep. He never leaves the kitchen until the table is cleared. If it looks like the dogs may fare too richly under our table he will find the broom & remedy that. He washes many dishes, and loads/unloads the dishwasher whenever there is a need. Many laundry-day evenings will find him helping me clear our bed and put away what I didn’t get folded yet. If I’m feeling like I need space, he usually figures out a way for me to get groceries alone or takes the kids on a drive or takes them outside. Anytime there’s even the slightest opportunity that one can ride along with him, he will be the first to suggest it. My chocolate stash stays well supplied. I am so grateful that he helps me around the house until the toys are picked up and things in order so that I can sit with him after the babies are in bed. There’s alot more, but you get the picture, he is Super Amazing & I wana be more like him. I’m seriously so humbled how well he loves me in word & action. 
We were very grateful to family for watching our brood so that we could celebrate our 5th Wedding Anniversary in May. It was seriously one of the cheapest and best vacations we ever had. Originally our plans were a bit more elaborate to celebrate the big five. But then when we had to downscale we knew right away it was the perfect opportunity to relive our first dates and part of our honeymoon in MO. Something we had often talked about doing, and I’m so grateful circumstances led us in that direction. While it is awesome to make new memories, it is so soo good to stop and remember where we came from and how it all started. Even experience those first heart flutters again. 😉
We took the kiddoes to the zoo and the parade.. felt like big accomplishments and they loved it! They spend many hours on our swing set Dan built and the pool has been brought out of storage. We also added 2 baby kitties to our family and thankfully their airways seem to handle frequent squeezing quite well. They absolutely love pizza, so Lil Caesars has seen us quite frequently! We have had more than our fair share of sicknesses, Dr. appointments and teething irritability and are always so grateful for the few days of good health! And we have gone on multiple road trips, we love traveling and the kiddoes do fairly well with it as well. So yeah, its been pretty interesting around here.
And just like that we are halfway through 2017 already and it feels like it was just January. I’m presuming the rest of the year will evaporate just as quickly. One day blends into the next and the months slip away without us hardly noticing. We hope to look back at these days with fond memories and not just a blurred image. Are you saying Yes to what matters today?
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog [top right corner] or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
by Julia | Apr 28, 2017 | When God Writes your Baby Story
This week is NIAW and I have been very quiet over here.. Well, quiet on the blog. I have been really busy and I have been writing, but I always chicken out from posting. I thought I could get more courage this year to share more of my heart. But then we got 4 lil foster kiddoes the beginning of the year and my time to write and even be online has measurably decreased. SO, for now I am learning how to embrace this season and share as the Lord leads.
But last night I started doing an Instagram post on this years topic #ListenUp by Resolve. And realized it was going to get lengthy, so thought I would just type up a bit today.
Not sure how to share what all I have been thinking about this week. It seems so hard to believe that it has been 4 years already since we blissfully thought we were beginning the next part of our dream-life-come-true. Some days I just really don’t want to think about it, and other days I allow myself to walk down that dream driveway.. What if we would have gotten pregnant and would have a lil forever family of our own? What if we would know what it is like to have to figure out what kind of birth control we should use?? What if we would know what a mini us looks like? What if we would know the joy and feelings of being pregnant? What if we would understand the pain of childbirth? What if we would need to buy a new house because ours was getting too full? What if we would have to decide what pediatrician to use, or whether we should vaccinate our child or not? I. DON’T. KNOW.
Sometimes it all feels like some kind of mean dream that somehow we should be able to fix. THIS is not the life we had dreamed of or talked about or planned. All those dreams and longings come back as bitter tears and pain instead of the joy and laughter we had imagined they would gain us. It feels like it’s all spinning and we have absolutely NO control over anything in our life. Like, Why can’t we at least figure out something and have it go the way we dream? Should we release it and find a new dream?
Yup, even though we have found a peace in the journey and are staying busy. It never goes away. There are definitely many, many days where we don’t agonize over it or even question it; but there are days when we do wonder what is next? And we do wonder why God chose us to be here? It does not make sense, but we know and have experienced that God is a Redeemer of our pain. He can use all of it. Sometimes I just want to stop allowing the pain to change me in an effort to let God know that I’m done & hope that He won’t allow more. But, His gentle Holy Spirit always convicts & challenges me…….. So, I didn’t come on here to preach, I just wanted to share to encourage you to ListenUp to those around you. Even if they seem like all is fine and they have reached a peace, God is never done. They may need a listening ear for the next step/struggle in their journey. ……. Most importantly I want YOU to know that I am here to ListenUp to you. If you are struggling at times, please let me pray for you. let me virtually hug you and tell you, I understand. We are not here to get stuck, but to be REAL.
Peace and ears to all,
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog [top right corner] or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
