by Julia | Mar 15, 2018 | Musings, When God Writes your Baby Story
The last few weeks I spent quite a bit of time processing something that kinda plopped itself right in front of me. Oftentimes Bible passages speak differently to different people and thats ok, that’s the awesomeness of God’s Word; it meets us where we are and ministers to everyone! So I just wana share a bit how God has been speaking to me thru His Word lately..
So, like most other barren women today, I love the stories in the Bible about the women who were barren, feeling very ‘down & out’, they prayed and prayed. They got their husband to pray for them & some even asked other men of God to pray for them that God would give them a child. God heard their prayer and opened their womb and they conceived! Obviously we don’t always know their Timeline and I am pretty sure they didn’t all conceive during their next cycle. In fact, one account it appears it was 20 years from when they began praying till God opened her womb. However, lately I have been looking at these stories in a lil different way than what you may typically think or immediately presume. I have been seeing a different approach, a deeper connection that these aren’t just for the barren woman of today. If a situation you are in looks impossible, keep reading.
While I would love to say, Look! Every woman in the Bible that was barren, ended up conceiving. So we need only have faith and our story will commensurate to the Bible Stories. I can’t help but realize that there were probably some women back in those times that were barren and died without ever conceiving. And I also know of some godly women today that have never conceived and have peace in being barren. So does that make their stories, their lives, unsuccessful? No, absolutely not! Hang with me……
You see, I’m slowly starting to see that success doesn’t come in us measuring up to the ‘ideal mold of a family’.. success is in God, being able to complete His work in & through us even if it looks different than what we imagined.
So why were only the ones that conceived recorded in the Bible? This is where I may have a lil different view for you. What if those stories were not recorded to give hope to the barren woman? What if the main topic in these stories is not about infertility? What if they were recorded to show to all people, including the barren woman, that God is capable of doing anything. Even if it looks humanly impossible? Nothing is too hard for Him to accomplish. You don’t have to have the ‘picture-perfect life’ in order for God to use you. God has a plan-and when we line up with that plan, there really is NOTHING that can get in the way. God was leading up to the redemption of the world, and to show that it was HIM doing the work, He used the infertile, the poor.. Sara, Rebekah, Elisabeth were barren women that God used to complete His story & bring Him glory! That gets me excited, no matter how impossible your situation may look, God can still 100% complete His plan. I can’t help but think how beautiful that is before God. Having that kind of faith that God can do anything and always holding onto that hope. Matthew 8:5-10
Another thing that I often come across is that barrenness is just way more common today than it was in Jesus’ time because of our unhealthy & sinful standard of today’s world. Yes, I am sure the numbers are a bit more dramatic, sadly. But thankfully God’s power hasn’t changed! And if barrenness wouldn’t have been a common issue back then, I don’t believe that it would have been spoken of so often in the Bible. Everytime it is spoken of in the Bible, it clearly indicates that God is the One who opens and and closes the womb. I sometimes wish it was always as direct as in Ex. 23:25, 26 -“You must serve only the Lord your God. If you do, I will bless you with food and water, and I will protect you from illness. There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives.”
I firmly believe God wants us to care for our bodies etc….. However I think sometimes we get so stuck in the hard season we are in, be it sickness, miscarriage, infertility, loss, depression, _____(insert yours). We start thinking we cannot be of any use to God until ‘this’ is gone. Somehow without even fully knowing, we get the twisted outlook that our life is worthless, it’s just not measuring up. But God never chalks up a life like that, or a season, as useless, one He can’t do anything with. NOO!! We have our focus on the wrong thing. It’s not about the pain. It’s not about the circumstances. I’m quite convinced God would love if there would be no pain in the world. It’s about who God IS. In our weak and vulnerable times, He invites us. “Come away with Me. Healing will not satisfy you, but I will.” This is not a wasted space in your life, but rather an invitation to be filled. To grow deep roots in Him. Your tree will grow strong and unwavering, loaded with fruit when your root system is deeply hidden in Him. Remember, it’s not about the barren women, it’s about God using redeemed people to complete His story & bring Him glory.
Paul talks about it in a beautiful way, and I think it is so key the way he relates it. The handicap does not come from God, but God can redeem it and use it to bring Him glory. Paul even began seeing it as a gift because he knew that if in his weakness he let Christ take over, He would be strong in Him. I think that is such a beautiful picture. He pleads with God to remove the thorn in his flesh, and then gives it back over to Him. When we allow God to redeem our hardship, people see God alive in our weakness. He gets ALL the glory! God doesn’t always heal, but He always saves and always redeems.
“Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 2 Cor. 12:7-10 MSG.
This is definitely one of my draft posts and a reality in my life today. I would love to hear your thoughts!
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
Linking up with Grace & Truth and..
by Julia | Jul 6, 2017 | Foster Care, me & my jewel, Our Captured Life, When God Writes your Baby Story
Been pondering what to share this month and I suppose it may be time for a bit of a personal life and family update.. Fittingly so with this being the month marking 1 year ago that we received twin baby boys into our home. Seems a bit surreal and sorry if you already know all the stats, but I wanted to write it down for my own remembrance 🙂 
Last July 5th we said good-bye to our first lil boy #MrSunshine and a few days later we welcomed twin 4 1/2 month old boys into our home on July 11th. Because it wasn’t any legal or criminal issues, but merely a lack of proper support, as soon as birth mom was back in shape the boys returned home, no questions asked. I won’t say how many questions and doubts I had, but I chalked them up to me being overly sensitive n attached to the boys in wanting to keep them. In those 5 months we had definitely fallen in love with Bubba & Buddy and were heartbroken telling them good-bye on Dec. 7th. We were not in any rush to take new placements in allowing ourselves proper time to heal (more on that another day.) Also I kept somewhat in contact with mom and told her we would like to support and help her with the boys when she delivers new baby girl in February.
On a personal life level, just prior to the twins leaving we felt led to do a few tests and check out why I have been having such severe menstrual cycles. Crippling to the point of vomiting and, well, I’ll just end it there. We didn’t really receive the quick fix we had silently been hoping for, except that the Dr. recommended I double or triple my pain meds and swap off with tylenol and ibuprofen. My body had become immune to ‘2 advils’.. He, however, felt pretty strongly that I probably have endometriosis. And if you know anything about it, the only way to confirm it & repair it is through surgery. He suggested we check out the Creighton Model FertilityCare System and do some blood work as cheaper alternative ways to definitely track what is going on with my body. So during this kid-break, we took the opportunity to take the classes & learn the CrMS charting. We have been really impressed with it so far. God opened and closed some doors pretty clearly to us in what to pursue, and at this point we are happy & at peace where it led us. If you have any questions feel free to ask, & hopefully we will have more answers in the future.
December & January We took a Florida vacation, celebrated the Holidays with family, partied in the Smoky Mountains and just did life TOGETHER.. Emotionally we just really needed each other. And I didn’t see myself being ready for another attachment in quite awhile. The end of January, I was in contact with the twins’ mother and we ended up watching Buddy while she was in unexpected labor with baby.. she was not early but with many complications, it was prolonged and we ended up getting Bubba a few days later and were so enjoying babysitting them! They seemed kind of in shock but definitely recognized us and our home. Baby made it, but by a series of complete miracles and would end up having a month stay in the NICU.
And then the text came…I was actually rather shocked and my heart was kind of confused with all of it: “The boys’ trial home visit has been disrupted and they will be staying with you again for awhile.” Babysitting was suddenly placement. Of course I was excited to see them, love on them and watch them grow again. But so much had happened in those short 8 weeks and my heart was not prepared for this at all.. They turned 1 a month later & we got to celebrate their birthday with them! But at the same time, it tore me apart. So confusing and traumatizing for them. So disappointing for the bio mom & family. That’s not all, we also got 2 more of their siblings, aka sisters. Two days later 3 year old Glitterbug came & a month later we brought Miraclebaby home from the hospital. Yes we are busy and yes it can be overwhelming. Also YES, our hearts are full!
Look at all those hair!
There are so many things I wish I could tell you about them and their lives.. But obviously it is not my story to tell. Just know that these are some of the sweetest and most beautiful children around. 3 out of the 4 are high energy kids, and cause me pure exhaustion by the end of the day. They have adjusted to us and life here quite well, perhaps better than what we have!
It has been over 4 months now being a family of 6. Let me tell you, becoming an instant family of 4 kids, ages 3 and under is no joke. And 1 year twins in the middle?! Of course the first month is all fun and everyone is doing great. Month 2 the crazy is high and the real is coming out, turns out 8 wks can raise alot of insecurities for babies. Month 3 we all just want to quit; but we keep reminding each other of that moment we knew God wanted us to say Yes and we keep pushing through, verbalizing that we embrace this life and family. Month 4 we have found a new normal and most days we feel like we are ready and ok for the long haul this appears it is going to be. And we are learning how to specialize in each individual to bond with them instead of lumping them together in an overwhelming sense where no one feels valued. We actually love doing this again & treasure having a family. Routines have definitely taken shape and bring security to us all. I don’t know how I do it most days, but have discovered that the best way to not become overwhelmed is to not ‘plan’ to accomplish anything. Lessen my expectations. Be satisfied in playing on the floor most of the day. Feel full and accomplished without crossing off a to-do list. Believe me, it is still a work in progress, that last one. But I have to constantly remind myself what is most important and not just in a cliche type of way. FOR REAL. Currently I am learning how to carve out time for what God wants me to do on a personal level and am in search of soul rest even in the daily ‘crazy’ schedule.
Recently I was kind of berating God, why He had brought us to a place of peace in saying Yes, and then just left us sit and fend for ourselves in this difficult journey? Why does it suddenly seem like a heavy burden to bear?! He reminded me of the verse my yoke is easy and my burden is light and that I had been trying to carry this yoke alone. I need to come away with Him, into His yoke and it will be free & light. That takes intentionality. Time to stop. Rest. Commune with Him and allow Him to guide every footstep and not just go go go…. In the midst of 50 things pounding in my head that need to be done, schedules & appointments nearly colliding, visits being rescheduled 5x in 1 day….I am learning to literally lift up my hands and say, You control it God and make it work out. Show me what I can cut out or do to make it work. I know You care & You will make a way. 
I just really wana shout out to my amazing husband & partner in all of this, he pulls more than his share of the load. He changes just as many poopy diapers as I do, bathes the boys 99% of the time, does the nightly ritual of putting baby to bed & 100% cares for the boys if they wake during the night. Not only is he the entertainer of all things play in the evenings, he is also the first one out of bed & has coffee brewed for me when I drag myself out 10 (or 20) minutes later. He often cooks us breakfast, or half of it at least & never complains about helping me with last minute meal prep. He never leaves the kitchen until the table is cleared. If it looks like the dogs may fare too richly under our table he will find the broom & remedy that. He washes many dishes, and loads/unloads the dishwasher whenever there is a need. Many laundry-day evenings will find him helping me clear our bed and put away what I didn’t get folded yet. If I’m feeling like I need space, he usually figures out a way for me to get groceries alone or takes the kids on a drive or takes them outside. Anytime there’s even the slightest opportunity that one can ride along with him, he will be the first to suggest it. My chocolate stash stays well supplied. I am so grateful that he helps me around the house until the toys are picked up and things in order so that I can sit with him after the babies are in bed. There’s alot more, but you get the picture, he is Super Amazing & I wana be more like him. I’m seriously so humbled how well he loves me in word & action. 
We were very grateful to family for watching our brood so that we could celebrate our 5th Wedding Anniversary in May. It was seriously one of the cheapest and best vacations we ever had. Originally our plans were a bit more elaborate to celebrate the big five. But then when we had to downscale we knew right away it was the perfect opportunity to relive our first dates and part of our honeymoon in MO. Something we had often talked about doing, and I’m so grateful circumstances led us in that direction. While it is awesome to make new memories, it is so soo good to stop and remember where we came from and how it all started. Even experience those first heart flutters again. 😉
We took the kiddoes to the zoo and the parade.. felt like big accomplishments and they loved it! They spend many hours on our swing set Dan built and the pool has been brought out of storage. We also added 2 baby kitties to our family and thankfully their airways seem to handle frequent squeezing quite well. They absolutely love pizza, so Lil Caesars has seen us quite frequently! We have had more than our fair share of sicknesses, Dr. appointments and teething irritability and are always so grateful for the few days of good health! And we have gone on multiple road trips, we love traveling and the kiddoes do fairly well with it as well. So yeah, its been pretty interesting around here.
And just like that we are halfway through 2017 already and it feels like it was just January. I’m presuming the rest of the year will evaporate just as quickly. One day blends into the next and the months slip away without us hardly noticing. We hope to look back at these days with fond memories and not just a blurred image. Are you saying Yes to what matters today?
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog [top right corner] or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
by Julia | Apr 28, 2017 | When God Writes your Baby Story
This week is NIAW and I have been very quiet over here.. Well, quiet on the blog. I have been really busy and I have been writing, but I always chicken out from posting. I thought I could get more courage this year to share more of my heart. But then we got 4 lil foster kiddoes the beginning of the year and my time to write and even be online has measurably decreased. SO, for now I am learning how to embrace this season and share as the Lord leads.
But last night I started doing an Instagram post on this years topic #ListenUp by Resolve. And realized it was going to get lengthy, so thought I would just type up a bit today.
Not sure how to share what all I have been thinking about this week. It seems so hard to believe that it has been 4 years already since we blissfully thought we were beginning the next part of our dream-life-come-true. Some days I just really don’t want to think about it, and other days I allow myself to walk down that dream driveway.. What if we would have gotten pregnant and would have a lil forever family of our own? What if we would know what it is like to have to figure out what kind of birth control we should use?? What if we would know what a mini us looks like? What if we would know the joy and feelings of being pregnant? What if we would understand the pain of childbirth? What if we would need to buy a new house because ours was getting too full? What if we would have to decide what pediatrician to use, or whether we should vaccinate our child or not? I. DON’T. KNOW.
Sometimes it all feels like some kind of mean dream that somehow we should be able to fix. THIS is not the life we had dreamed of or talked about or planned. All those dreams and longings come back as bitter tears and pain instead of the joy and laughter we had imagined they would gain us. It feels like it’s all spinning and we have absolutely NO control over anything in our life. Like, Why can’t we at least figure out something and have it go the way we dream? Should we release it and find a new dream?
Yup, even though we have found a peace in the journey and are staying busy. It never goes away. There are definitely many, many days where we don’t agonize over it or even question it; but there are days when we do wonder what is next? And we do wonder why God chose us to be here? It does not make sense, but we know and have experienced that God is a Redeemer of our pain. He can use all of it. Sometimes I just want to stop allowing the pain to change me in an effort to let God know that I’m done & hope that He won’t allow more. But, His gentle Holy Spirit always convicts & challenges me…….. So, I didn’t come on here to preach, I just wanted to share to encourage you to ListenUp to those around you. Even if they seem like all is fine and they have reached a peace, God is never done. They may need a listening ear for the next step/struggle in their journey. ……. Most importantly I want YOU to know that I am here to ListenUp to you. If you are struggling at times, please let me pray for you. let me virtually hug you and tell you, I understand. We are not here to get stuck, but to be REAL.
Peace and ears to all,
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog [top right corner] or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one.
by Julia | May 3, 2016 | Foster Care
So to start way at the beginning… growing up my Mom & I had an in-home daycare and we also were licensed to babysit for a foster mom in our church. Later I taught at a private school, then worked in a deaf school. I’ve always loved working with kids. Met my hubby and while we were dating we volunteered a week at New Horizons Ministries in Colorado and before we left for home we knew we would love to be involved in a mission like that. My hubby also has a huge heart for kids, so we definitely knew we wanted a big family 🙂 We got married in 2012 and we would pray for God to lead us and show us if He would have us go to CO, but really, just to lead us where He wanted us to go. (yeah, honestly it was more of a casual prayer in the beginning, as much as I hate to admit it, but it did keep churning a longing deep within us). About a year in we thought we were ready to start a family. So we opened our hands and prayed and told God to do whatever He wanted to do with us and our journey of becoming a family.. Little did we know what we had signed up for. In those next 2 years, pregnancy didn’t happen like we though it would & we cried out to God for direction. We just really thought maybe this was going to be our ticket to be able to pursue serving kids & moving to Colorado. But nothing seemed to give and we didn’t have peace or clear direction in pursuing it.
I think so many people look at our story and think, Oh they love & are great with kids and are perfect for foster care! Or, that we merely pursued foster care because we weren’t getting pregnant. But here’s the honest truth. We had a heart for kids and felt a calling on our life, but we weren’t willing to take an unabandoned look at it or really listen. And basically it was because in our minds, we “knew what we wanted”. …… Until our comfort-zone was stripped away. Slowly layers were being peeled away. Looking back, I think it’s really sad, especially when I hear people say comments referring to the same in their lives..”oh I have such a heart for these kids, but I don’t know if it’ll ever happen“–it’s up to you whether you want to pass off the ‘heart’ that God has placed in you or really listen and be obedient to God’s call.
Ok back to our story; we talked about doing foster care, adopting, etc…. But we were never on the same page at the same time with each other and in peace before God, with pursuing any of those paths. We really struggled to be honest with ourselves and be careful to not make an emotional decision of doing any of these just to fill our home with kids.. [if that’s you, don’t feel bad, I think we just sensed a deeper call on our life.] In the beginning of 2015 we attended a spiritual conference & came home knowing without a shadow of a doubt what we were supposed to do. I really don’t know how to put it in words. BUT God. At the same time, unaware of what the other was hearing, God was asking us to share our rich inheritance -that He blessed us with- with those that don’t have anything. That day He asked us to open our home for His children & we weighed the cost & said Yes. We’re realizing more & more…. He just wants our obedience. That’s it. [“Because no matter how glorious something may ‘appear’ the true blessing is in obedience when not all is glorious.“] Within a week we were signed up for PATH classes, training to become foster parents {it was really beneficial training & we also learned that the words ‘Resource’ and ‘Foster’ are interchangeable, and I think its especially great to use with older kids where the word foster is like a stigma}. Within 3 months we were fully licensed and 5 days later we welcomed our first child into our home.
And we’ve not been the same since.. We’ve realized a few things. I’ve heard people say that through their miscarriage they gained a huge heart for adoption. For us, we had a heart for foster-care, but through our season of not becoming pregnant, it caused us to tap into our huge heart for kids, which right now is in foster-care and we’re totally open to adoption too. I realize that God gives you something hard to make something beautiful. Going through infertility and now doing foster-care, we are gaining an even huger heart for kids, and I’m really excited at the possibilities of where it may lead us.
One more thing, so many times I get cliche comments and I think all you foster moms out there know what I’m talking about, so I don’t want to mention them all and make those people feel bad. However there is one sentiment that I feel is dangerous that I would like to address; “You were made just for that. God gave you a heart for this. God built you perfect for this work.” I’m sorry, but I wasn’t perfect, or had it all together when I entered this sphere. I realize that God in obvious ways was preparing my heart and I had perfect exposure and fit ‘the criteria’ well, but it concerns me when that is all that people look at. Sometimes people use those as excuses, saying, “Oh I didn’t always have a heart for it. I didn’t grow up with any exposure or experience to it“. (whatever it is that God may be asking of you.) BUT. As you could see earlier, even though we had a heart for kids, what mattered was our obedience. Most of my actual ‘training and life lessons and glorifying God’ weren’t actually happening until I was in the thick of it. There is peace, & God is glorified when you are right where He wants you. If God is asking you to do something, He wants your obedience. He will give you Grace. He will give you a ‘heart for it’. You have Everything you need! I don’t think he waits to qualify you until you are called, unlike that popular saying. Obviously with Jesus, ‘You are qualified for it if He called you to it’.
This isn’t exactly how I would have pictured our story, it’s not a ‘fairy-tale’, but no matter what it looks like at the time, obedience makes it beautiful in the end! AND I am so happy that it IS our story.. & btw this is #fostercareawarenessmonth –I would love to share any info or answer questions with anyone that would love to make a difference in the life of a child or a foster family. Any questions? Comment below, maybe it’ll give me inspiration for topics to write about this month.. 😉
If you enjoyed this post and would like to connect on a more personal level, please connect with me. Or if you need prayer, I would love to be in touch with you! Email me at capturingjewels@gmail.com -Follow me on Facebook or on Instagram. To follow along on our journey and not miss any posts, subscribe to the blog [top right corner] or follow my blog Facebook page, not just my personal one. ?
by Julia | Apr 29, 2016 | When God Writes your Baby Story
Short Version:
- became aware of each other’s existence in big green earth; January 2007.
- boy meets girl; Fall 2008.
- first date; June 17, 2011
- Engaged; February 26, 2012
- Got married; May 19, 2012
- Started ttc; Spring 2013
- Foster Care licensed; April 28, 2015
- today; Spring 2016……………….
Long Version:
We’ve always wanted a family. Knew from the very start, before we ever said ‘I Do’ that it was something we wanted. We dreamed about our children. Us. As a family of more than two. It was something we prayed about frequently, and we prayed for our dear loved children. Our hearts burst with love for them even though we didn’t know them at all. We dreamed about how they would look and what memories we would create with them.But we also felt very strongly that it wasn’t something we wanted to [or should] rush into.
Before our wedding. Our wonderful 11 months of courtship consisted of learning what it really is to love each other and going on dates and dreaming together and discussing things that really mattered and understanding who the other was. But marriage was different, yes marriage is all of that, but it’s also so much more.
Let me just STOP here a bit and say that I absolutely loove being married, it’s so much fun and sometimes I think my heart is nearly gonna burst because of all the love I feel for my Sweetheart, plus trying to soak in all the undying love he has for me. Over and over I’m amazed at the wonderful way that God brought us together and how that marriage truly is so awesome, I don’t have to ‘pretend’ to be happy or in love, I just am and it’s so good! So while we’re being honest and real, a good marriage takes a lot of time and a lot of work. I don’t think that it’s that “hard” but it takes effort. And so yeah, in the joys and fun of being together also comes learning how to keep house and pay the bills. We learned how to trust the other, help each other, understand what the other is feeling without them even saying a word. And yes, quite frequently we’d mess up, and have to stop, say I’m sorry and try again. But we grew, we talked easier, we understood deeper, we shared more, we learned what communication works. I started being lonesome for him when he was away, instead of lonesome for my family. Plus the lil house on the hill became home. But it took time, tears, and dedication. The best gift in all of this was we were also learning so much more about God- who He is, and what He wanted out of us. And in the midst of all this trial and error, fun and tears, we realized the importance of Building a foundation firm and secure together on the solid Rock… And we decided to take a good year focusing on just that.
After a year we were starting to think more and more about a family. We wanted one. The more we prayed about it the more we wanted it. But we also knew that God is in control and we really wanted Him to have His way in it. We talked about it soo often, we knew He could have given us a baby before this, and trust me, we would have been thrilled! But now we felt like were truly ready to throw all caution to the wind. You know, how sometimes when you pray and pray and you just sense, like yea, it’s the right time.
So for a lil personal note here, I remember so distinctly the night we prayed. And we gave it ALL to our dear Heavenly Father God and we trusted Him without a shadow of doubt. We told Him all we that we felt, all that we wanted and all that our hearts desired. We worshiped Him for being our true amazing Heavenly Father. We gave Him permission to take our lives, our plans, our children, and do what He wanted to do with them. We consecrated ourselves, our lives and the lives of our children into His Hands. It was so out of our control, but we knew deep inside that it was truly what we wanted-only His perfect and amazing plan! We asked God to write this story for us; the story of our babies.
As it turns out month one, we weren’t pregnant! Yay, it just tickled us to know that God truly was hearing us and did have His Hand in this and He was so gonna make this happen in His time-zone. I ordered a bunch of “what’s going to happen while you’re pregnant” books, because I was going to need them in a month or so. Little did I have a clue what we were walking into..
Month three, four, five passed with no news.Well ok, this is interesting God, you must really have bigger plans than we did! We devoted most of our time during that time caring for 2 lil children that came into our home for a few months, so we were definitely kept busy! I must say I was beginning to wonder what is going on tho?!
By month six, October 2013, we were to the point where we thought ok, maybe we need to buckle down and be more serious about this? But turns out I was really struggling that month with other personal things and I knew that that was one thing that I can just release and let God so I chose not to worry about knowing what my body is doing everyday and just go with the flow. That was a beautiful decision for both me and my hubby! Also in that time 3 people told me they dreamed that I was pregnant or had symptoms that they knew I was pregnant. And we had someone come pray over us and the future of our family. (All of these without us sharing what really was going on inside.) So somehow I knew, even if I wasn’t ‘getting pregnant’ God was doing a work. Truly even deeper and more significant than I could even imagine. And while we weren’t getting pregnant with a baby, we were definitely birthing [birth definition: the coming into existence of something] some deep truths. One thing that we both felt pretty strongly during this time is that God is in control of this and we are supposed to wait on Him. We knew there were options out there to ‘dig into’, but even though sometimes we questioned, should we? Our journey so far hasn’t been about that. We weren’t being led in that direction n most certainly every time we knocked on that door, God simply said, No, I got it, just trust me.
During the next few months were probably some of our lowest times and then our high and most joyful times. It really seemed like every time we would hit a low we would get a song, a word, a promise, a peace… something. And it grew our roots even deeper into understanding our Heavenly Father. The pain sometimes was so real, so raw, there was no way to even try to cope with it….but to simply give it to our Jesus. The questions, oh yea, they burned and spun over and around in our minds. What to do when there are no answers, you hear nothing but simply, Trust. Trust is really such a beautiful thing! Why would we even worry about one tiny oober little thing, or why would we concern ourselves with: ‘just how is this (something we are going through) going to turn out’?? When we serve such an amazing God. The One who created us. The One who knows all things. The One who is in control. The One who can take even the most awful things in life and make them beautiful. The One who scripts our Story so perfectly if only we allow Him. It is us that should bow in adoration that He chose us for such a divine purpose.
We were starting to feel verry alone. Which, never opening up and letting others in, is something that can happen very quickly. But, just the thought of going public and sharing our story was frightening, so we decided 1 step at a time. We shared our hearts with some of our close family and our small group at church. NOT for pity or sympathy; rather for empathy and encouragement. Man, is it ever hard to open up and share! But I learned some valuable things during that time; it’s ok if everyone knows, this IS part of our journey and hiding it doesn’t change it, I don’t need to protect myself, or be able to trust others with our information- I just need to be obedient and if God asks me to be vulnerable He is more than able to take care of and hold me. And, maybe, just maybe, sharing our story will be able to help someone else.
And of course that 9 month “month” was a difficult one for me.. I couldn’t help but imagine how different this month was compared to what I had ‘planned’. I mean, I thought we would be painting a nursery, setting up a crib and trying to prepare for the birth of our baby……. Instead we went on a few trips and came home with a young girl that lived with us for 12 weeks..
Just like that a year had come and gone…. So I dug into my training as a volunteer at a local crisis pregnancy center and was able to see my own clients. Without disclosing personal info, let’s just say that God divinely appointed my time there and put me face to face with miracle conceptions more than once. #amazing Also in the spring of 2014 I found out I was going to need surgery on my knee as I had definitely tore my ACL snow-skiing in Gatlinburg. So…. there was therapy and surgery and tons more therapy. From accident till therapy was complete, was a whopping 8 months! Even though this all took up a lot of our time, it was also during these times when it hit the hardest. Why don’t we have our own children? We had to give to over to God again and again. As it sure seemed like we would have chosen different than what we were experiencing!
I did a lot of baking in the summer/fall of 2014, and just wholeheartedly threw my heart into my work and enjoying life with my hubby. Meanwhile we were coming back to our prayer, over and over. God you are in control. God, we trust you. God, fulfill your plan. It truly is an humbling feeling, knowing that His plans are so much bigger and better than ours. I mean ours look pretty amazing, fun and good. But how can His be better and yet so painful at times? We were begging God, is there something more we aren’t understanding? What do you want out of us? Is there something wrong? Are we not supposed to have our own children? Is there medically something amiss? There were a lot of questions, believe me! My husband, the dear wonderful steady love of my life, kept me stable. His faith in what God was doing was like a pillar of hope for me that I could cling to. It was what kept me believing in something greater in the midst of all of the questions. He just knew without a shadow of doubt that God is going to give us children yet. And so really, we leaned heavily on each other and both even more on God. It was a beautiful time and we relaxed and enjoyed just being the two of us. One, maybe two, hard days at a time, but the rest of the time we really were having a lot of fun and experiencing a sweet kind of joy walking blindly, yet by faith. It might sound confusing, but there is so much joy, even in pain, when you have God. And the questions, we didn’t know the answers. But we could give them to Someone who did.
January 2015 we got a super clear leading in the direction of one of our prayers and we excitedly began the process of getting licensed for foster care.. Finally got it accomplished and received our first baby girl in May..
Before we knew it 2 years had passed… The following year was like another level for us, it wasn’t easier, but we have become more educated, more open and we are still very much full of hope. We have tried a lot of things, and we’re not opposed to trying more… {I’ll spare you the details}. But we know that we will never pursue medical intervention, ivf, iui, etc. It’s just not for us. Trying to read into every body sign and taking pregnancy tests gets very tiresome and took its toll on us. We realize that because we live in a sinful world our bodies don’t always perform right, so we have not reached this decision in a naïve manner, but simply being obedient and trusting in our Father & Healer. To be clear here… while we are being obedient in waiting on God right now & seeking His direction, we have chosen to not make ourselves go crazy with every lil thing that we could be doing different and trying to make it happen. We feel at complete peace that we have searched our hearts and they are open and clean before Him and that we are in His time-zone where miracles happen and each conception is a miracle. He has a plan. We both know that God has a way bigger purpose in this than what we can see. I know without a shadow of a doubt that just like God looked at faithful women in the Bible that were barren, answered their prayers and they conceived; He is still the same God and can do the same for me! [I hope to share their stories with you in future posts 
] I can’t wait to see God’d completed tapestry, I know it’s going to be beautiful in the end.
So here I am 3 years later, sharing our journey with all who care to hear. Here is a lil tidbit into how I got to the place of 100% peace in sharing our story… If you have read everything so far, you may remember me saying that it looked way too frightening to share with the world what we were going though. So you may be wondering, Why am I writing about it now? Good question. For me to digest, to learn, to come to a conclusion, even to find healing. I write. Many months in I had started to become numb to what really is going on. Not taking any time to write. I started hearing God saying, you should start writing about your journey. And at first I got defensive, Write about it, that would be a discouraging thing to read! Why should I write about it?! What would people think? It’s none of their business! ……I can just see God smiling. But He kept nudging. Just share your heart. True, but if they judge, I will protect you, all I’m asking is for you to be obedient and I’ll take care of the rest. I want you to learn how to glorify Me in this. I want you to show HOPE to others. Timidly I began saying, ok….but then it was, how God? what should I write, how do I say it? And I began specifically praying that if I was to write our story, I needed God to show me how to write it and what to name it. And out of the blue one day, I vividly got some words that perfectly summed up our journey-and I was like wow. Then I heard this whisper-There, use that basis n blog. It’s not about me or us or our kids, it’s about God and the story He is writing… I wrote it, but I’m not gonna lie, it’s taken a long time for me to actually be able to post it. Come along and join in if you want to hear how the story unfolds. It is so not scripted the way I would write a novel, however it is truly perfect because we gave God the pen and He is writing the most beautiful story..
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