by Julia | Dec 10, 2016 | Foster Care, Meditations, Our Captured Life
Nothing like waking up at 6:30 on the first morning of your vacation. Clearly my mind needs to realize we are on vacation. And the best way to do that is to write it out, and beings its still dark and hubby is sleeping, I grab my computer instead of pen n paper..
Yesterday we said good-bye to the twins we’ve had in our home since July. We knew it was coming for awhile and had been having overnight visits, so the transfer went good and in a way it still doesn’t seem real. Like, we’ll just come home and go get them again, right? But I knew in my heart it was different when we dropped them off this time. And oh, it hurt. Why do the tears always insist on coming when I just want a composed good-bye, but instead have to rush away? Each one of our lil munchkins situation has been a lil different, but generally my heart has mostly been heavy with, “What will happen to them? I wish they didn’t have to face this traumatic change and good-bye, I’m grieving their losses, their confused lil minds, their tomorrows.” But this time is different, and to be quite honest, it feels selfish. But I can’t lie on paper. I’m really grieving my loss this time. Don’t get me wrong, I 150% care about those babies and will invest in them whenever I can, I know it has affected them, albeit we didn’t see nearly the fear as in some of the others. And I know because of power in prayer, they will adapt and adjust quite quickly. Sadly, they will probably even forget us. BUT…I didn’t ever want to say good-bye. What’s going to happen to my dream of raising twins? I don’t want to lose them. I just really didn’t want to go thru this right now……yep, I
know, it feels so selfish. But herein is the pain. 
I read a quote the other day about how we embrace pain? I know I need to move forward. But how do I know if I am embracing my pain or wallowing in it, or maybe I am ignoring it? How do I grow from it, let it do it’s purifying work? I’m sure there are more ways than one and I’d love to hear other people’s stories.. Here is something that I’ve been pondering since I read it and I believe there is something in it for me..but I’m still sorting thru it.. So. when we receive a blessing, a good thing. We receive it. We accept it. We rejoice. We don’t question, where did this come from? why me? we don’t resist it or try to avoid it. So when we receive a trial, a painful experience, we should likewise not question (I insert, obviously being mindful of discerning between attacks from the enemy vs God allowing you to walk this path, we never want to welcome havoc from the the devil. but in walking with God I know it can ALL be used to glorify Him if He allows it.) So, we don’t sit here questioning, why me? why this? we grieve. we rejoice. we embrace that this is FOR us. We don’t resist it. All of what comes our way, creating emotions, whether joyful or painful, are to teach us something.
For me, it’s super helpful to be able to recognize and know why I am feeling what I am feeling. Why do I feel this joy or pain. Like I was above. Being completely honest. Otherwise it seems like I am ignoring the real issue & just trying to quickly get thru the symptoms. Embrace the pain and hurt, shine Jesus on it and hear what He wants to say to me in all of this. I guess I tend to be one of those people that thinks everything happens for a reason and even tho there are MANY things that I still don’t know the reason for it. I want my heart to be open and learn and grow even in the most vulnerable, dark days. I would rather feel deeply both joy and pain, than to not feel at all.
Sigh, enough with that for now. Seriously the last 3 weeks I have felt like I’ve only been hanging on by a thread and every couple days that thread got ripped as well. I am such a, what people would call Type A personality. So whenever I had plans made and they were cancelled and changed multiple times day in and out, I was beyond wanting to plan anything. In the middle of it my sister reminded me that God always has a bigger plan that we can’t see and we just got to hold onto that, even in the minute details. It felt like it was all that was left to do anyway, so I just held on. And it got me thinking. So many times we plan things out, we think we know what is best. But we can’t see the big picture. Am I willing to let go of my agenda and allow God, who is looking at me from the future, plan my every detail? Or do I do everything within my power to make things go according to MY plan? What if we lived our lives with hands open wide, instead of it all clenched inside our fist, saying ‘This is how it’s going to go!’ It’s really hard for me, when things are falling apart, to not try and keep it all going according to plan. So I am asking God to let me be ok with letting go and going with His plan…
And let me be clear, I’m talking about the lil things. I know that when a big “life” situation is out of our control, it’s relatively easy to give it to God who controls it all. But what about our everyday plans that seemingly are in ‘our’ control? For example, our trip to Florida was rescheduled and we weren’t sure if we were even going to go this time. And it was all planned so we could relax and leave.. turns out I left without vacuuming, cleaning or having my Christmas decor out. Yes, the girl who loves Christmas doesn’t even know if she’s wanting to get Christmas out. (lets be real, of course I will, it may just be for a week tho.) And if you know anything about me, that pretty much never happens, my house is clean before I go anywhere long distance. Something my Mama taught me! (and I’m silently hoping the ladybugs on the ceiling don’t entirely take over our residence.) But we had an appointment and had to go….. It’s in these things that I’m learning, Let go….
So yup, while I feel quite a bit weary and sad. I am officially in Florida. And I am so thankful for a wonderful husband who blesses me with such an amazing Birthday gift every year. I am excited and hopeful to experience God’s healing on my heart and in my body (which, being worn down has a nasty cough!) And R.E.L.A.X.A.T.I.O.N. ….amen?! peace to all.
[[edited to add, good thing I waited to post this.]] After our arrival to our final destination, I went to the beach just to clear my head right away and my honey went to get sandals which he ‘forgot’ and came back and totally shocked me with some gorgeous flowers. And trust me, it’s not just the flowers, this man really cares about my heart and I am so grateful we are walking this journey together!
Don’t they just add the most beautiful smile to the room?! <3
by Julia | May 19, 2016 | Foster Care, me & my jewel
Today is just a lil different than what I had imagined.. But it’s ok. I’m choosing to cherish the moments as this is what our imperfect, perfect life looks like! No, we still don’t have the ‘normal-family-life’ thing downpat, but come’on, I seriously doubt we’d be happy if we lived the American-normal. Most of the time I feel like we fit into a mold too much the way it is. Who defines ‘normal’ anyway?! lol
Being without any kids for the past 2 months we decided we’re gonna go spend a few days in Nashville for our 4th Anniversary this year. Who lives just a few hours away and hasn’t spent time touring the famous city of Nashville? Yup, that would be us! So we were getting all excited and planning what we wanted to go see….. But Dan kept holding off on making actual motel reservations, because, as he said, “what if we’d get some kids”?!
Sure enough, on Tuesday morning we were discussing that we should get our reservations made that evening and a few hours into the day. We get a phone call asking if we’d take 3 lil boys. Uh-oh. See, we’re just licensed for three. And next month is #mylilgirlie’s court to see how her trial placement with her bio Dad is going. And with not knowing the outcome we were not willing to fill up our home n not leave a space for her, just in case. So I called our placement lady (in our county) and she said she’s make a few calls. Turns out they’d gladly up our number but we’d have to get another room ready and we can’t do that without getting a storage building or adding a lean-to…(which I have been bugging dear hubby for) cuz I want to help as many as I can! So we sadly had to say no, but I felt complete peace about it. Before I hung up, she said, Oh looks like I’m getting a child into custody right now. I almost squealed, Yay, we’ll take that one! She says, It’s a baby. And I’m pretty sure I squealed for real then. We’d love to have a baby! So I had to wait to hear back, and a few hours later she said they couldn’t find a judge to sign and won’t be able to remove the child till tomorrow, but it’s a 10 month old lil boy.
Waited till mid-afternoon to finally receive the call that he’s in custody and I can come pick him up. I came into the office to hear him giggling the most deep, adorable giggle as he was playing with an FSW’s kids & just loving it. He took to me right away. Needless to say it was evening till I came home, not only a bunch of waiting and signing I had to turn around and go back for more after I was 5 min on my way home. Thanks to Lil Ceasar’s we had a relaxing eve to get him bathed and ready for bed. [Minus going thru the nastiness of a small bag of stinky clothes–needing to get Clorox as they might be contaminated from the drugs.] He did super well, took a 45 min nap and woke up after 7pm, and by 9pm and only a few tears later he was out again! And he slept till 9am!! I was just a lil freaked out and secretly delighted when I woke up during the night and the next morning and the lil champ was still soundly sleeping!
He seems to have a good mix of being a content, happy lil guy with lots of smarts and just a lil bit of temper I think… Smiles super easy and copycats alot, constantly giving me giggle fits and then he tries to laugh with me. He’s been crawling and pulling himself up, so I suppose this will be interesting if he continues to be this active! Wasn’t so keen on the baby food, but I think it was mainly the spoon thing as he loves to eat with his fingers and picks it up and handles it really well. I’m not quite sure what all is normal for a 10 month old, but he doesn’t seem to be behind at all. And is a healthy weight, coming in just a tad on the short side. His happy demeanor has earned him the web name of MrSunbeam. 
So, that brings me back to today. It’s our Anniversary and so far I’ve been to the Health Department and Walmart. It would be fine, but I keep thinking about being in Nashville and it’s just not cutting it! I know we will still go and I’m looking forward to that. I am happy, very happy tho; I know, with the timing of everything that this was meant to be- MrSunbeam here and us at home. So, I can happily be sad. [it’s true]. We’re just gonna get a babysitter tonight and go eat some yummy steaks and see if we can find anything else to do that may seem romantic [NOT grocery-shopping either!]. Mmm now my mouth is watering.
Funny story, my wedding pictures are still not in albums. I was going to scrapbook them so I never put them in an album. Now that just looks overwhelming. So maybe we’ll go get some albums and stick em in for now, beings they’re all printed. We did have such an amazing wedding and I never tire of looking at our beautiful pictures & reliving the fun, giddy feelings. No doubt the biggest piece of amazingness was in the man that I married. I was so in love and hoped like crazy it would only get better. Indeed, I am being truthful, not cliche when I say it has! He spoils me rotten and loves me dearly. I am so thankful that he is an awesome leader and provider for us that I can trust 200%. I love him like crazy and couldn’t ask for more.
Here’s a couple wedding pictures —
I got this last one made into a 16×24 canvas from Canvas On Demand for us. We like to get 1 big thing that benefits both of us for an Anniversary Gift and thought this was perfect 😉
by Julia | Apr 9, 2015 | me & my jewel, Musings
We recently had the opportunity of hosting some ‘new friends’ and we were really blessed in sharing time with each other, along with parts of our stories, and praying together. As they were preparing to leave, I gave them a print of the above photo along with our contact info. A lil bit later she comes back to me and says that as she was looking at this photo she saw something she felt like she was supposed to share. She sensed that like as in the picture, the background looks dead and brown with old buildings, and the foreground is just lightly turning green and showing life. That it is where we are at in our life right now; even though behind us we have had hard times where things seemed kinda dead, old and brown…that they are starting to change. And we will be beginning a new kind of life-that is “full of life”.
I was so blessed by it and felt like it was from God..I just wanted to document it 🙂
Be blessed, God is always so faithful!
by Julia | May 21, 2014 | Our Captured Life
Here’s who came and saw me today! My 2 adorable nieces…it sure cheered my afternoon just watching them play! And seeing all these tiny dolls and miniature little strollers and swing. And the teeny puppies that stayed ‘magnetted’ to the mama dogs mouth! Aww yes I know I sound like a kid! 🙂
Shania
Amy
So much adorableness…
And of course we can’t forget the handsome lil guy, which was trying so hard to be ‘all-boy’ with so much girl-ness all around him!
Mason, very proud of his new mitt and ball!
And just a lil update on my progress; since a shower alone seems to exhaust me I just frequently wash my hair in the sink and today I managed to do it alone. I am trying so hard to not become discouraged…all I want to do is be able to be up and working without getting faint and tired. Mornings are still the most difficult and always need help out of bed. Also haven’t stayed alone yet as trying to sit down and get my pillows to elevate my straight unbendable leg seems to be more than I can manage. I think my dear hubby is starting to wear out, he won’t complain but he’s been doing all the cooking, laundry and caring for me plus his job…I found some pickles in the freezer. I think it’s time someone starts bringing us some meals to ease the load for him.. til later,
by Julia | May 20, 2014 | Our Captured Life
It really is quite strange to not have all those bandages on and actually be able to see what all they did. The worst thing is it feel so unsupported. We still wrap it up with ACE bandages, but with all the gauze gone the brace is so loose and when I walk it really hurts to try and put weight on it. Kinda feels like it is gonna ‘give way’. So I called the Dr and they said we can come upright away and they will adjust it. So as soon as someone could come take my Hubby’s place in the combine he took me to the Dr. I actually just saw his assistant Ms Diane Miller. She not only fixed the brace, she showed us how all the straps work! It’s quite the contraption!! But once it’s all explained, it’s actually kinda easy; but it sure had looked confusing. As much as we hadn’t felt like spending a $100+ out of pocket for the brace, we are now glad it was a requirement. With that not letting me bend and offering support in the right places I am allowed to put as much weight on as I can stand. But I still haven’t learned the art of walking without crutches 🙂
I’m feeling a lil more adventurous since ‘having’ to get out of the house. So I spent a few hours over at my sisters house and she brought me home then. That was so nice for something different!
Riding in a vehicle is still an interesting outing…because I only get to sit in the back seat sideways with my leg up on the seat. I told my hubby it’s starting to feel like he is having to “put the child in the carseat in the back” everytime we go somewhere.
I have been busy organizing everything for Amish Sweets’ baking which starts this weekend. So many recipes to copy. Ingredients to buy. Prices to gather. Itemizing everything to see what my prices need to be. Receipts to be tallied. So if you wonder just WHAT I am doing with all my spare time on my chair…that would be it!
Plus today I officially begin adding therapy-at-home to my list of necessaries.
Sigh, enough with that for now. Seriously the last 3 weeks I have felt like I’ve only been hanging on by a thread and every couple days that thread got ripped as well. I am such a, what people would call Type A personality. So whenever I had plans made and they were cancelled and changed multiple times day in and out, I was beyond wanting to plan anything. In the middle of it my sister reminded me that God always has a bigger plan that we can’t see and we just got to hold onto that, even in the minute details. It felt like it was all that was left to do anyway, so I just held on. And it got me thinking. So many times we plan things out, we think we know what is best. But we can’t see the big picture. Am I willing to let go of my agenda and allow God, who is looking at me from the future, plan my every detail? Or do I do everything within my power to make things go according to MY plan? What if we lived our lives with hands open wide, instead of it all clenched inside our fist, saying ‘This is how it’s going to go!’ It’s really hard for me, when things are falling apart, to not try and keep it all going according to plan. So I am asking God to let me be ok with letting go and going with His plan…
